The way we communicate can make or break our relationships not only with others but with ourselves. Luckily, communication skills can be taught, practiced, and strengthened. There are four main types of communication styles: passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive, and assertive. Most people use all of these communication styles at various points, but generally tend towards one or two of them. The following hypothetical scenarios paint a picture of each communication style.
Imagine this: You walk in to your shared kitchen and see that the sink is completely full of dirty dishes that aren’t yours. You don’t like the mess and don’t want to clean all of it up. You’re frustrated. Do you:
A) do the dishes and say nothing. Your family/roommates/colleagues have no idea that you are upset, and they don’t change their behavior. Meanwhile, your resentment builds up more and more. If this pattern continues, it may lead to an angry outburst down the line. In addition, if you habitually don’t express your needs, you may experience increased feelings of isolation and depression. This is an example of passive communication.
B) 1. do the dishes and say nothing, but slam cabinets the whole time. Your family/roommates/colleagues might wonder if you’re upset about something, but they can’t be sure how you feel or what you want. Your needs continue to go unmet. This is an example of passive-aggressive communication.
B) 2. say, “Wow, looks like I’ll be washing all the dishes again…” Your family/roommates/colleagues might catch the hint that you’re unhappy about the situation, but your statement was vague and they’re not sure. This is another example of passive-aggressive communication.
C) yell, “You guys are so lazy and selfish! Get in here and clean your dishes!” You definitely expressed what you want, but the name calling turned it in to an attack on their character and the yelling may have triggered their “fight/flight/freeze” response. They are likely to become defensive, which will reduce the chances that they’ll do what you want them to do. In addition, your relationship with them may become strained. This is an example of aggressive communication.
D) say, “I’m feeling frustrated and I’d really like some help with the dishes.” Now your family/roommates/colleagues know exactly how you’re feeling and what you want. You kept it focused on the issue rather than making it personal. Chances are pretty good that they’ll respond well and pitch in. While you can’t control other people’s reactions, this approach tends to have the most success. It also helps maintain strong relationships. This is an example of assertive communication.
If you’re having trouble figuring out how to address an issue using assertive communication, this blueprint can be helpful: “When you ______ (specific behavior), I feel ______ (emotion word).” If it feels clunky and awkward at first, that’s totally normal! Assertiveness training can be likened to athletic training: as you gain more practice, you’ll make it your own and it will feel more natural.
Good luck! Now get out there and communicate!